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  • caddiesandyoung 16:26 on September 4, 2013 Permalink | Reply
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    The Real Transfer Window – The Secrets They Hid From YOU 


    Deadline day has now become an institution in the football calendar. This season, our own sheep herder Mr Young followed the drama from the early hours to the final seconds. Here is his timeline of events.

    05:30     Transfer deadline day hits a snag as Sky Sports (official partner of the transfer day) can’t locate Jimmy Deadline White.

    05:58     White has been found in the doorway of a large shop in Ealing, clearly under the influence of alcohol and ketamine and it is believed he had scrawled ‘It’s my big day, NOT YOURS’ under the poster in the shop window which promoted a one day only sale.

    6:11        Sandra Redknapp starts her daily face manipulation programme on ‘Arry. Ever since his face was removed after a heavy poker loss and replaced with a melted welly he has needed 35 minutes of invigorating finger massage before he can leave the house.

    6:19        Ed Woodward leaves the shower on urgent transfer business.

    6:21        Peter Odemwingie spotted in BP garage buying armfuls of maps

    6:47        ‘Arry Redknapp launches a double swoop for Adebayor and Assou-Ekotto. Daniel Levy ejaculates.

    7:56        Everton are apparently keen on taking Zaha on loan. Ed Woodward leaves the kitchen on urgent transfer business.

    8:42        Big Sam attempts to push through a loan for Fabio Quagliarella. On hearing the news from his agent Quagliarella announces he is retiring with immediate effect and as a precaution cuts off his own left foot with a teaspoon. (More …)

  • caddiesandyoung 16:43 on January 26, 2013 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: , Swansea ball boy   

    Swansea ballboy – What MIGHT have happened (An ARWIF special) 


    While you are reading this, balanced precariously on a window ledge so that you can steal someone else’s wi-fi and drinking slightly out of date Ribena…the Swansea City ‘ball boy manager’ is planning a lucrative future.

    Britain is taking a long soak in the bath of poverty, and yet Charlie Morgan is negotiating appearance fees for Loose Women, the One show, Graham Norton and Babestation. He will probably be the face of  ‘Britain’s Got Talent’ and secure a weekly column for Heat magazine… and yet us honest folk struggle even to afford branded lube.

    Charlie, as even the inhabitants of Baffin Island are aware, is the boy who lay on top of the ball in the Rumbelows Cup semi final, thus preventing Eden Hazard from returning it to the keeper. The pink mist descended on Hazard and he prodded Charles in the tummy with his very soft boot. Hazard was of course wrong to do this but I would urge you all to think about what might have happened to Charles if the perpetrator had been someone else…

    What might have been the outcome if Vidic had wanted the ball? (More …)

  • caddiesandyoung 13:21 on September 29, 2012 Permalink | Reply
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    A Real Week In Football – The Harmony Of Scouse & Super John Terry…Banter King 

    Due to the hyper sensitivity around football at the moment, I’ll review recent events with the delicacy of Edward Scissorhands knocking one out.

    We visited Anfield, home of our favourite neighbours for a jolly affair. Before the match there were Hillsborough related silences, balloons and flowers. All was handled respectfully by both sides and the entire match carried on in the same vein really. The highlight of the 1st half was when Jimbob Shelvey slipped and accidentally caused pain to Jonny Evans. Jimbob, being the respectful young man he is, volunteered to leave the field of play and while heading for the tunnel he screamed “I’M SORRY FOR LOWERING THE TONE!” in the direction of Sir Alex Ferguson. At half-time, the players  served each other orange quarters and dilute squash before wishing their opponents  all the best for the 2nd half. Almost as soon as the match had resumed, that delightful chap and friend to DJs worldwide, Steven Gerrard gave the home side a 1-0 lead and Manchester United players, fans and most notably manager applauded with aplomb. Five minutes later, and wanting to keep things pleasant, the plucky scousers stepped aside to allow Rafael to curl in a lovely goal and make it 1-1. (More …)

  • caddiesandyoung 19:22 on September 22, 2012 Permalink | Reply
    Tags: Alexander Buttner,   

    A Real Week In Football – Enter The Buttner And Rodgers Dodgers 

    Following on from the devastating news that our dynamic duo Shinji & Robin had both died while on international duty, we just didn’t know how, as a team we would recover.

    We welcomed The Pie-Eaters to Old Trafford and spent the first 45 minutes in mourning at our bereavement. At half-time a tearful Chicharito noticed Robin hiding behind the physio table while Scholes was dazzled after spotting Shinji running above the stadium exquisitely stepping from one rain drop to another. It turned out, despite United fans across the world thinking otherwise, they had lesser injuries than you may incur from a medium sized sneeze! All cheerful and out of mourning United won 4-0 with debut goals from Little Nicky (not the son of Satan played by Adam Sandler) and Büttner (the actual son of Satan).

    Elsewhere it was nice to get the answer to the big question; Can a bunch of egotistical overpaid mercenaries do it on a tepid Saturday afternoon in Stoke? The answer is clearly no. Another question nobody gives a crap about; Will the handshake happen? I don’t care if they get their little fellas out and start sword fighting, it’s important not to waste all the excitement on a pointless pre match handshake so the actual match isn’t a terribly boring 0-0 between the Rentboys and the Rentboys-lite!!

    Being known as the Black-Cats it seemed Sunderland cared nothing for Liverpool or sentiment as they made it 4 games without a win for Buck Rodgers, who if he carries on like this he may become my favourite Dippers manager since Kenneth the furniture whisperer. (More …)

    • Real Red not a fake like you tit features 21:31 on September 22, 2012 Permalink | Reply

      What gang of utter morons you Manure are. You have the intelligence of a snail walking on salt thinking it may taste good.

  • caddiesandyoung 14:51 on September 8, 2012 Permalink | Reply
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    A Real Week In Football – Arsenal Outrage, Liverpool Shipbuilding And Scarfman Feeds Tevez 

    Three weeks in and what have we learned?

    Arsenal fans are outraged and rightly so. The club allowed the contract of their star player, Dobbin Van Horsie (aka Judas Iscariot), to run down in an unthinkable repeat of the Sandra Nasri situation of the previous summer.  Fear not Gooners for Professor Yaffle had already purchased the replacements and one of them is a sharpshooter. Step forward Oliver Giro. 3 games and 2 clear open goals missed he might just hold the same goal threat as a latter-day Emile Heskey or, dare I say it…Kevin Davies?

    And what of our chums down the East Lancs Road?

    2011-12 was a horror season for them with the Furniture Whisperer leading a badly thought out reprisal of the Third Reich and spending money as unrealistically as had ever been witnessed in football. This week a story came out claiming that Steve Bruce, upon hearing that Liverpool were interested in Henderson, suggested to his chairman that they might get as much as £4m for him. The furniture whisperer is long gone and has been replaced by the former Chelsea Fluffer Bending Rodgers, a real sharp cookie. His first idea was to try to buy Swansea but he hadn’t quite got enough money so instead he bought Joe Allen, but to remain true to recent transfer policy he paid 3 times what the player was worth. (More …)

  • caddiesandyoung 14:00 on August 31, 2012 Permalink | Reply  

    A Real Week in Football – Late Start But We’re Back! 

    a real week in football

    Here we go the consummate professionals that we are; we have started the season a week late, kind of like United did. Before people start bitching and saying blog X would have been out week 1, firstly blog A-Z can suck my balls. Secondly we were busy trying to find Bebe; he’d gone out celebrating his pre-season heroics and subsequently vanished. We found him on Wednesday evening in Nova Scotia living with a family of Harp seals, after convincing him they weren’t his birth family we got him home safely. (More …)

  • caddiesandyoung 15:54 on July 7, 2012 Permalink | Reply

    A Real Week In Football – Episode IV…Why Always Balotelli? And Spain Win….Again. 

    Well it seems that since Spain turned it on for the final and admittedly put in a great performance, apparently any of us who called them boring earlier in the tournament were wrong to do so and now have egg on our faces? I did once have egg on my face when trying to be all Rocky Balboa but I was short on time and tried to do too much at once, I ended up falling down the stairs with a face looking like I’d took a money-shot facial off Slimer from Ghostbusters. As for the final proving me wrong about Spain, well it reminds me of the time Harold Shipman bottle fed an injured panda cub back to health and everyone had to say they were wrong for calling him an evil, murderous c*nt, earlier in life.

    The match was Spain at their best with Xavi and Carty pulling the strings in the middle of the traditional 6 man midfield. On occasion they were nearly over run but luckily they had back-up midfielders; Ramos, Pique and Geordie Alba to help out. Obviously if things get too much there is still Casillas to join them but generally he spends a lot of his time keeping an eye on that “special” kid Arbeloa, making sure he’s not strangling himself with his shirt or simply distracted by that chap with the pretty, colourful flag running up and down at the side of him.

    As the Spanish had taken the night to show us all what they are really capable of so to did Bellendotelli. (More …)

  • caddiesandyoung 14:17 on July 1, 2012 Permalink | Reply

    A Real Week In Football Episode III – Semi on! Europe Discovers Pirlo! 

    Mr Potato Head Vicente Del Boy decided to give a big “suck my chip” to me and the rest of his sleepy critics. Unmoved by the complaints over his zero striker policy he created a new role of false-player and handed it to a lucky competition winner from Seville (actually from Madrid but he works in Seville). F!ck knows what he does there as he is not a f*cking striker! You fat potato looking C#NT!!! Ahhh I feel a little better now.

    Anyway Ronaldo bizarrely ordered his team to attack the Spaniards, and attack they did. They created multiple chances to win the match but sadly even Ron couldn’t put them away while stroking himself over his reflection in a camera lens. Del Boy was amiss over his tactics and cried “this is unfair they are devaluing our false football with attacking genuine football, I demand UEFA step in and stop this actual football madness!” (More …)

  • caddiesandyoung 13:30 on June 27, 2012 Permalink | Reply  

    A Real Week In Football – Episode II…Quarter Pounders With Cheese 

    The Quarter Finals came and went and we are here to round them up for you like Ji-Sung Park rounds up sheepdogs

    Czech Republic vs. Portugal

    The Czechs battled their way to the quarter finals and met the force that is Ronaldo, a man who is so confident in his own ability he not only enters the tournament on his own but he even leaves Bebe at home. It’s safe to say he has a slight ego, but really it’s justified. He even found the time to mockingly hit the post before he single-handedly won the match after crossing the ball to himself and then beautifully heading the ball past Special Ed. That’s how it happened in the camp Cristiano’s mind, but actually it turns out that some of his supporting cast aren’t too bad either, most notably Nani, Coentrao and Pepe but they are/were equally hindered by the ineptitude of Helder Postiga, once average now awful. The Portugeezers play the Spanish in the Semi’s and for the love of Cantona I hope I they win. (More …)

  • caddiesandyoung 13:27 on June 22, 2012 Permalink | Reply  

    A Real Week In Football! – Episode I….European Championship Redux 

    Here is the first episode from Caddies and Young;

    Mr Young: It is a bit scurrilous of me to try and review the group stages, I have watched hardly any football since being given a superb piece of advice by my mother. In a seemingly sensible conversation she informed me that one of her chums had been having some trouble with a fox, but it had been resolved by threatening the fox with jam sandwiches, it transpires foxes are afraid of jam. Doubting the truth was even a feint acquaintance to this tale I took to the countryside armed with a pot of Harley’s seedless raspberry and a song in my heart. Three hours and 15 terrified foxes later I resolved to rid London of its urban fox menace. To cut a long story short I cut a deal with the Lord Mayor that if I could clean up his hood he would pay me £15, a weeks holiday in turkey (to catch up with Bebes trail of destruction and try and put him on the path to recovery) and a unicorn named Dominic. Within a week London was foxless but no payment was made. It seems that my unicorn has been held up in quarantine and my airline tickets mislaid in the post. Boris won the £15 back in an impromptu game of “winner stays on hopscotch” so I am…Back to square one. (More …)

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