A Real Week In Football – Arsenal Outrage, Liverpool Shipbuilding And Scarfman Feeds Tevez

Three weeks in and what have we learned?

Arsenal fans are outraged and rightly so. The club allowed the contract of their star player, Dobbin Van Horsie (aka Judas Iscariot), to run down in an unthinkable repeat of the Sandra Nasri situation of the previous summer.  Fear not Gooners for Professor Yaffle had already purchased the replacements and one of them is a sharpshooter. Step forward Oliver Giro. 3 games and 2 clear open goals missed he might just hold the same goal threat as a latter-day Emile Heskey or, dare I say it…Kevin Davies?

And what of our chums down the East Lancs Road?

2011-12 was a horror season for them with the Furniture Whisperer leading a badly thought out reprisal of the Third Reich and spending money as unrealistically as had ever been witnessed in football. This week a story came out claiming that Steve Bruce, upon hearing that Liverpool were interested in Henderson, suggested to his chairman that they might get as much as £4m for him. The furniture whisperer is long gone and has been replaced by the former Chelsea Fluffer Bending Rodgers, a real sharp cookie. His first idea was to try to buy Swansea but he hadn’t quite got enough money so instead he bought Joe Allen, but to remain true to recent transfer policy he paid 3 times what the player was worth. However Bending seemingly doesn’t care for Carroll to the point that he sent the poor scamp to play for West Ham even though he didn’t have another proper striker to play alongside the Cannibal of Amsterdam, Luis Dentist.

Brian Marwood very nearly managed to stop Scarfman spending any of the oilmoney in the transfer window but while he was relaxing in ‘Chez Terry’s’ getting a ‘Manssage’ on 31st August he didn’t see the danger coming when Scarfman excused himself to go for a ‘sit down toilet’. Marwood had drifted away amidst the gentle testicle rub being administered by Dejan and had completely forgotten Scarfmans pure fear of public toilets. As Dejan continue to cup and probe, Scarfman ran up Deansgate laughing like a Pelican and ringing agents aplenty. Before teatime he had spent almost £60m while Marwood was being rectally milked and rubbed down with Moon daisies. There is speculation amongst those ‘in the know’ that the majority of these signings will be ground down and fed to Tevez during the colder winter months to ensure he doesn’t migrate to warmer climes… where meat is more readily available again this year.

And what of the rest?

Everton, Fulham and Southampton have already finished their respective seasons. They have had their cup finals and now have another 35 games between themselves and heading off on their summer holidays.

QPR are surprisingly crap, even though they are under the rudderless guidance of Hughes and he has bought in another 315 new players. What a shock. USB has turned a top team into one of compete disarray. USB has turned a top team into one of complete disarray. Clearly the repetition was intentional, as his has been. Spurs look destined for a long long long season. The diet scousers are bleeding from the nose (not from coke overdoses, but giddy league position) but of course that will soon be amended as they lose Fellaini to a career as a bounty hunter in outer space. M’O’N is in the process of making his Sunderland team burly and uncomprising and Villa are flirting with the possibility of a season long relegation dogfight.

As you were…

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