A Real Week In Football Episode III – Semi on! Europe Discovers Pirlo!
Mr Potato Head Vicente Del Boy decided to give a big “suck my chip” to me and the rest of his sleepy critics. Unmoved by the complaints over his zero striker policy he created a new role of false-player and handed it to a lucky competition winner from Seville (actually from Madrid but he works in Seville). F!ck knows what he does there as he is not a f*cking striker! You fat potato looking C#NT!!! Ahhh I feel a little better now.
Anyway Ronaldo bizarrely ordered his team to attack the Spaniards, and attack they did. They created multiple chances to win the match but sadly even Ron couldn’t put them away while stroking himself over his reflection in a camera lens. Del Boy was amiss over his tactics and cried “this is unfair they are devaluing our false football with attacking genuine football, I demand UEFA step in and stop this actual football madness!”
Did UEFA step in? I don’t know, my insider recently committed suicide by jumping off a bridge after stabbing himself in the back three times and tying his own hands behind his back. The moment when Nani was clean through on goal yet the ref called play back for a free kick to Portugal, did raise a few eyebrows, least of which was Carlo Ancelotti’s which has now been pictured orbiting Jupiter.
In typical standards of “the greatest footballing side ever” the match finished 0-0 after 120 minutes. Even having “The Walford One” Todd Carty linking up with Xavi in the middle couldn’t unlock the Italian defence so it was down to the lottery of penalties; penalties are only a lottery if it’s a fact that England never buy a ticket.
For anybody reading that lives on Mars, or just simply don’t know the outcome of the penalty shootout, I’ll tell you the media’s report: “MANCHESTER UNITED CURRENT AND EX PLAYERS SH1T OUT IN SHOOT OUT!” In actual fact, it turns out Nani and Ronaldo merely went with the order picked by Bento. Nani was blamed for pulling Aaron (from Money Talks) Alves back even though he buried his penalty and Ron was blamed for not taking one even though he was set to take the 5th which could have been the decider. Ronnie was ripped for this yet Drogba was covered in media cum for doing the same in the Champions League final.
Anyway, the most boring “football” team ever are in the final; thankfully they’ve answered the never asked question “What would Barcelona look like without Messi?” This is from a man who rates Todd Iniesta as the best CM in the world right now. He’s been misused but not to the extent of playing Scholes as GK or wherever the f#ck he played for England.
It’s a Spain v Italy final and for the love of strikers all over the world I can only join the Italians as they say “FORCE A ASSURE ME!”
Ever since Pirlo took “that” penalty I have been rueing the fact that a chap named “Panenka” pioneered the clipped effort. I would have liked it to have been a lower league Austrian full back called Toby Sheet. Imagine the intrigue and excitement as Andrea Pirlo walks to the penalty spot, the commentator asking the rhetorical question “will Pirlo try to do a Sheet?”.
The Germans were big favourites to progress to the final bit they reckoned without this years Sneijder…Andrea Pirlo. He has been an incredible discovery, his form in the Euros really marking him down as a great player. Of course it’s not like he has been doing this for a decade at Milan, oh no. Not at all. He has literally emerged this month.
Balotelli managed to avoid being a massive weapon for 10 minutes and scored twice in that period. Gomez enjoyed playing with freedom. The freedom of a quadriplegic rhino. Ozil was outmanoeuvred by the previously unknown Pirlo and the modern day Gattuso (De Rossi) and once Italy had scored it seemed unlikely Germany would recover. Their manager George Love changed polo neck sweaters at half time and even toyed with straightening his hair again but it was to no avail. Ozil scored a late penalty but it wasn’t enough and the Italians marched into the final to take on Spain. Spain have been ritually sacrificing strikers to please the god of possession all week so expect them to adopt their new 4-3-3-0 formation.
Please Bebe, please let Italy win to save the “false 9″ takeover. I can’t tolerate Sam Allardyce trying it with Kevin Nolan next year.